5 FREE ways to connect with your spouse after baby
Hormones, late nights, constant crying, and the completely terrifying thought of “I’m gonna mess this whole thing up,” Yup. That season after baby comes can throw even the healthiest of marriages into a downward spiral. Luckily, God can meet you (and your spouse) even in those moments where you feel like you might be featured on Dateline. Here are five ways to connect in this hard season:
Remember the good things about your partner.
Remember that feeling you had when you first started dating? You know, the butterflies, the late night phone calls, the new discoveries every day about them? Remember that the person you fell head over heels for is still there. They’re standing right in front of you, and even though things look a little different than they were at first, there’s still that connection there. When you’re constantly pouring out more of yourself to a little one, it’s hard to remember the person YOU were before, much less who your spouse was! Remind yourself of who they are to you and what they mean to you.
Spend time dreaming together.
There’s something about having a shared dream. Your dream doesn’t have to be big and overwhelming! It could be a new joint hobby, a family park day, learning a new card game, or making new and enticing meals together… Whatever that dream may be, it reminds you that you’re on the same team and creates opportunities to connect!
Pray for one another.
And no, I don’t mean “Lord, help my husband to be a better husband.” I’m talking about a prayer where you really listen for God to speak to you about your spouse and what they’re going through. Maybe even asking the Lord to let you know how you can help your spouse… No one knows your spouse as well as God does. Something I continually have to lay down is my selfishness. My marriage should not always be about me and how I feel. Marriage is a union and a partnership. It’s a red flag to me when my prayers include more about me and how much I’m doing rather than truly laying down my feelings and praying for my spouse. A great way to start out small is the simple prayer: “Lord, what’s one simple thing I can do or say that will encourage my spouse today?”
Focus on filling each other’s love tanks.
The way you feel love may not be the way your spouse does, and that’s ok! We all feel love differently and show love differently. It’s important to figure out how your spouses “love tank” gets filled. Sometimes we may show love the way we want to be shown love, but our spouse doesn’t understand this display of affection because their way of showing love is so very different. That means that even if you’re trying your hardest to show them love, they’re not actually receiving it. Their love tank is not being filled. It’s harder to give love when your love tank is on empty, so when you spend time filling your spouses, they’re more likely to fill yours! Here’s a great resource to figure out what your spouses love language might be, and I encourage you both to take this quiz and share your results with each other.
Communicate - especially the things you don’t want to say.
This is the easiest to say, hardest to do. It feels so much easier to just not talk about your feelings. In reality, bottling up all your feelings is so much harder and puts so much unnecessary pressure on your marriage. Talking about your feelings and being open, honest, and vulnerable with your partner can be scary, but it’s the fastest way to intimacy. Just like sharing our heart in prayer creates intimacy between us and God - sharing our heart in our marriage will create connection and intimacy with our spouse. Yes, it will take time and energy to sit and actually listen to the heart of our spouse, but it will pay off in dividends. Tim Ross has a great podcast about trying to listen to your spouse during a conflict and how it can be much more helpful to be curious about the root of the conflict. Oftentimes, when there’s a conflict we can start feeling defensive, but it’s much more helpful to take a step back, get curious, and start asking questions about what your spouse is feeling and why they might be feeling that way. Watch that podcast here.
Marriage and raising children is not easy, but it is worthy of your time and energy. I am praying that God will give you insight into your marriage. Don’t be discouraged during this hard season, a new one is approaching sooner than you think! What’s a free way you and your spouse connect? Let me know in the comments section!