messy

My thoughts fester at the forefront of my brain. Tangled. Messy. I wish someone would come and pluck each messy strand from the pile - straighten them out. And yes, I know, I know. There's Jesus tapping at my shoulder asking for each thought so He can do just that - but sometimes, I don't even know which thought to start with.

"Give me the whole pile."

But, I don't want to drag this mess to you. The God-man with no messes. The God-man who never did wrong. Sometimes, I feel like my messes are unfair for You to carry, so I try, for as long as I can, to carry them on my own.

"How's that working out?"

Not well. Not well. The longer I carry them the messier things get. I have to get out my muck boots and trudge through the mud of my mind just to find You again. And You - wow - You are so good, because you always trudge through it with me. Guiding me. Taking my hand. Carrying me through. It's me and You. Always me and you, wading through my messes, so that we can wade through others' messes together.

"I want you whole."

Well, I'm a whole lot of mess.

"I don't mind the mess as long as your wholly mine and I'm wholly yours."

I want to be wholly yours, and I want to feel you all the time. I don't. Not yet. I want to work towards being whole not just for you, but for me, for my husband, for my daughter, for my friends. I want wholeness because that's the thing this world doesn't tell you is that if you don't give yourself wholly - you will never be whole. And if you're never whole - you'll never be holy. But it doesn't happen all at once. It's a constant laying down and surrender of little things to be fully whole, to be fully healed. So what do you want to heal God?

"Everything. Let's start with your mind."