seeking

It’s the constant barrage of communication that steals your voice in my head. I’m constantly on the run, running to - I don’t know where. Definitely not towards you. Yet when I get a moment of stillness - I fill it with random people who don’t mean a thing to me and stories that aren’t even true… or good. Why do my affections wane so easily. One minute on fire, the next wondering if I’ll ever feel a spark again.

“Your feelings aren’t the flame you need. I am.”

My feelings aren’t true. They’re not even rational. Yet here they are, taking up 90% of my brain power. Taking the forefront of my thoughts.

“Regain your ground. Don’t let them take over the battlefield of your mind.”

One step forward. Two steps back, but at least I moved forward. At least I’m trying. At least I have you on my side, walking with me. Please don’t ever leave me. I feel that way sometimes, like you’ve left. Like I’m alone. Like I don’t feel you anymore.

“Listen, my radiant one - if you ever lose sight of me, just follow in my footsteps where I lead my lovers. Come with your burdens and cares. Come to the place near the sanctuary of my shepherds.” Song of Songs 1:8 (TPT)

I will follow you, Lord, and follow those who follow you when I lose my way. I will surround myself with your friends and lovers, so that I never lose sight of you. Even when I do, because I will fall, because there will be storms and seasons and caves and valleys, I will surround myself with the ones who lead me back to you. I will cry out to you, and you will woo me back to you because you love me. You do love me… don’t you?

“My dearest one, let me tell you how I see you - you are so thrilling to me. To gaze upon you is like looking at one of Pharaoh’s finest horses - a strong, regal steed pulling his royal chariot. Your tender cheeks are beautiful - your earrings and gem-laden necklaces set them ablaze. We will enhance your beauty, with golden ornaments studded with silver.” Song of Songs 1: 9-11 (TPT)

Thank you Lord, that when the buzzing of the world around me gets too loud you have left your letters of love for me to read. Thank you that you’ve sent things too beautiful for me to comprehend in this lifetime, so that I’ll have all eternity to unravel your love for me. Thank you Lord that I keep discovering more and more about your love. Thank you that you see me as beautiful, but that you will constantly enhance my beauty with your gifts of love for me. May I never become stagnate in your river of love. Keep me flowing and moving.

“Keep seeking and you will find more and more of me. I will not hide from you.”